St.Groundhog's Day

St. Groundhog's Day

There are several trillion rodents on this planet and only a few billion humans. Rodents evolved several million years before primates and have been far more instrumental in shaping the history of this planet than the monkey descendants ever dreamed of being.

In spite of these well-established true facts, it is most shocking and disconcerting to find that there are hundreds of human holidays and only one, that is one, rodent holiday. And even that holiday has been corrupted over the years to reflect humans' senseless and annoying preoccupation with the weather. Ask a groundhog if he cares how the weather is or isn't going to behave during the next six weeks. He'll most likely shake his furry little head at you in disgust and go count his nuts.

February 2nd, commonly (and irreverently) known as "groundhog day," is a day of pious solemnity in the rodent world. It was named after Aloysius Groundhog III, a kind and selfless rodent, known for his inter-species tolerance. Aloysius was the 3rd son of the 4th litter of Aloysius II and Agnes Groundhog. He was born on February 2, 1616 somewhere near Plymouth Rock (which, for the record, is nowhere near Punxsutawney). He earned rodent sainthood by welcoming with open paws all of the rats, mice, shrews and moles that came to the New World on the Mayflower and working to achieve peace and harmony among rodents. He was killed and eaten by Squanto at the First Thanksgiving.

Humans, unable to pass up an opportunity to trivialize and exploit another species, have completely forgotten the true origin of St. Groundhog's Day, and have taken to using the remarkable weather-predicting ability of the groundhogs as a way of covering up their collective guilt over Squanto's First Thanksgiving dinner.

Rodents are perhaps the most stable and successful of all orders of mammals. The 2,000 or so species of rodents make up 40% of the mammal species. The more notable rodents include groundhogs (woodchucks), rats, mice, beavers, squirrels, porcupines, prairie dogs, shrews, moles and guinea pigs. Not to mention the lemmings and the dormouses (or is it dormice?). Rodents have proven their value to man and womankind throughout history. They eat nasty pests and provide sustenance for the larger order animals that we carnivores like to consume.

Countless rodents have been martyred in laboratories to provide humans with a better hand lotion and various other so-called good causes. In spite of their success and value, rodents are perhaps the most misunderstood animals on this planet. The fact that they carry and transmit deadly diseases to humans has been viewed in a negative light for centuries. Humans historically have had to resort to war, starvation and contraceptives for population control. If rodents were allowed to run free and chomp a human from time to time, various plagues would spread and the species balance of the planet would be maintained much more efficiently.

Perhaps humans are simply jealous of the rodents' active and satisfying sex lives. Whatever the reason, rodents deserve a holiday of their own, uncorrupted by human exploitation and commercialism. In honor of these extraordinary animals, do the morally correct thing next February 2nd. Forget about the weather. Forget about Phil. Take a moment to bow your head in honor of St. Groundhog and all good rodents of the earth.